Love, not just a word

Love, not just a word

Alright guys, this is a big one so pull up a chair, you need to really wrap your minds around this.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a new couple exchange the word love like its just another word, heard a couple exchange the word only to find one member of the couple isn’t faithful, people who say they love their significant other but don’t like them in reality, people who don’t know each other who exchange the word like oxygen, and people who tell another they love them in order to get what they want from the other. It’s time to bring it back for what it is. Love, is not just a word.  Love is everything… I know I’m being vague but I’ll clear things up, just keep reading. 

I recently asked a man I’ve loves for as long as I can remember, what love was in his opinion. I’m ways his response wasn’t what I expected but he said, “love is no matter what happens I’d always die/ or be there for that person”.  He’s not wrong but that’s only a fraction of what love should be if you’re saying it to your woman… love is a promise of sorts. I don’t tell many people I love them because as a woman, the word love carries a lot of weight. If I tell you love you, yes it does mean I would die for you and will always be here for you but it means so much more at the same time. It’s my confession to letting my walls down to let another person in, when in a relationship it’s a promise to be faithful, it’s allowing another to be my other half through lifes chaotic ups and downs.  When I say I love you to my partner, it means I actually enjoy him and want him to be a constant in my life, its an allowance to cross all barriers no matter where I am in life, if I love you and say it out loud it means that at my very worst I want and need YOU for comfort and at my very best I want and need YOU to be by my side to celebrate. When love is real forgiveness happens when mistakes are made and flaws are meaningless. True love is unconditional, meaning there is literally nothing the person you love can do or say to make you feel less of a need for their presence in your life. Don’t get me wrong, things don’t have to be perfect for love to be real, I’m not saying that if you fight sometimes your love isnt real, but what do you do when you fight? If you run to a bar or hop online and talk to other girls because you were mad, that isn’t love. If you storm off, sulk but come back from it, never losing the gut feeling of need for your woman, congratulations, you really love her and deserve to tell her as much so you can reap the rewards.

The problem with telling your woman you love her when it doesn’t run true is that you’re essentially encouraging her to dream about you, to invest herself in you and your future as a couple or family… you’re setting her up to fall apart when she comes to the realization that you weren’t honestly in love with her while she was completely in love with you because women NEED to be loved. It’s another one of those sick primortal things we possess, when we are told we are loved, it allows us to be happy in a freer sense. It’s someone’s admittance that they need us and more so, WANT us. It’s an internal mother instinct, we need to be needed. Women will take care of eveeyone around them by instinct, often selflessly so at the end of the day, we need one person to out US above every other human on earth, one person who cares about our well-being without our doing anything other than being alive. When you tell your woman you love her, you’re committing to being that person whether you realize it or not. SHE may not even realize it until things fall apart, and if you’re using love as a word your relationship WILL fall apart, because where love isnt real, things will always crumble under the pressure of time.  The biggest issue is that false love destroys women because every time a woman falls out of relationship where she assumed love was real but somehow realized it wasn’t, it causes her irreparable damage.  Every time it changes how she keeps up her walls with other, how she trusts, how she BELIEVES in love… don’t be that guy. 

I know, now you’re thinking you don’t want to be the guy who kills love but if you DON’T say it, she will eventually become iterate and you’re just trying to avoid the drama. It’s not as hard as you think. Be honest. If your honesty pushes her over the edge and she leaves you for it, chances are she wasn’t a good woman anyway so count your losses and move on. A good woman will appreciate it if you tell her you don’t want to use the “L” word until you know its real because you want it to mean something, she will understand and embrace the opportunity for you to get to know each other on a different level. And if you never feel it?  Say so so you can both decide where to go from there because you both deserve to know and feel real love. What will destroy your woman irreparably is you hiding what your feeling, even if you think you’re protecting her by continuing because you know she loves you. Think about it boys, you owe her honesty regardless of what that means.

Get it guys? This is for you too ladies, if you don’t feel at least a good portion of what I said love is, DON’T SAY I LOVE YOU, change starts with you, save the world from the destruction broken hearts can cause, end the cycle… 😀 Seriously though, only say I love you if you mean it and no one needs to get hurt.

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life!

Happy Father’s Day 2016

Happy Father’s Day 2016

To all the papas and men acting as papas out there, Happy Father’s Day to you! This is the day we celebrate your inspiration, your reason for getting out of bed every morning and working as hard as you do to provide for the family that gave you your title of dad. Parenting isn’t easy, loving our kids unconditionally isn’t always easy, working your tail off to be eaten out of house and home, showing your sensitive side isn’t always easy but you do it because you can, for the love of your family and the tiny humans you made (unless they’re anything above 12, then they’re very large humans comparitivly speaking from your first memories of them).  You’re so much more than full bellies, lights, and a roof over your family’s head. You’re their rock, the fixer of all broken things, knight in shining armor, banisher of evil and nightmares, your princesses first love and your prince’s first hero, the king of your castle and the lucky recipient of all your womans dreams and passions. You’re everything to your family no matter how large or small, young or old, you deserve this day good papas of the world as a thank you from your family as a token of their appreciation for everything you are.  Enjoy your day guys and extra love to my guy, you’re the best father I’ve ever known to our littles and I couldn’t love you more for everything you’ve done for us and are for us if I tried.

Never say NEVER, or ALWAYS

Never say NEVER, or ALWAYS

Seriously guys, never say never, or always. Never and always are both powerful words that can hang like a black cloud over your woman’s head if you’re not careful and you’ll pay for it one way or another. Now I’m not suggesting you literally avoid the words, you just need to use them correctly in order to avoid turbulence with your woman. I know this sounds like a run around but it’s not, I promise, let me explain…

Saying things like, I never want to go to Walmart again, I never eat brussel sprouts, mom never wears sparkly makeup, i never wear underwear, are acceptable. We always take out the trash at night, I always wear socks, the kids always trash the house, dad always fixes things, also all acceptable. If you’re paying attention, what you’ll notice is none of those comments contain the words never or always in conjunction with the word “you”.  The word you, is where things can get dicey. If you’re careful, you can combine you with never or always when speaking to your woman but it’s imperative that you use them positively to be safe. Saying baby you always make the best lasagna, you never forget anyone’s birthday, you always know what to do, you never have to worry… these are all POSITIVE statements that could potentially better your relationship with your woman. Using these words together in any negative or suggestive way, can easily change your life foreeeeeeever.

I know this sounds like a fucked up game but the fact of the matter is that a good woman never forgets. When you imply that she never or always, does or doesn’t do something, it will eat away at her loooong after the 15 minutes you remember saying anything at all.  Doesn’t make sense?  Ok, so you can’t say things like, you never clean the house, you always look tired, you never appreciate anything, you’re always miserable, you never said I couldn’t buy new tools, you always annoy me, you never do anything… ALL of these are dangerous statements, you’re going to have to think about things you say in your own circumstances to your woman ans be sure to eliminate anything similar.  I know, I know, you don’t mean ALWAYS OR NEEEEEEVER persay when you say things of this nature and you sometimes just say them in passing when you’re stresses or aggravated but is it worth it man?  After left the room to move on to your next task and don’t give a second thought to what you may have said, if you said anything negative or suggestive with the words you, never and/or always, your woman is back to doing her next task too but she is weighing your words heavily. She’s thinking back over the years about how she didn’t notice she ALWAYS annoyed you. As she makes dinner, she’s still considering how she NEVER finds a way to make you see her appreciation despite appreciating the fuck out of your every move that you make that supports your family.  As she throws laundry in the washer and tucks the kids into bed, she’s thinking about how she ALWAYS looks tired and about how you won’t want her if she can’t keep up with her to-dos you don’t know she does behind the scenes but if you notice she’s tired she must be looking worn and ugly and you won’t want her then either so she’s in a lose lose situation. As she gets into the shower and then climbs into bed with you, rubbing your throbbing feet so you can work again in the morning to out food on the table, she’s thinking about how she can NEVER keep the house clean no matter how hard she tries because, well, kids or pets or work or just life, and how she isn’t good enough for you. Then while you dream of driving a Cadillac with pockets of cash rolling down sunset Blvd somewhere hot, she’s dreaming of how in your eyes she’s ALWAYS miserable and all that matters is your opinion in her world next to the kids and/or family so the nightmares of losing everything for being an ugly, miserable, ungrateful, sloppy waste of your time.

She won’t tell you all this because where inside she’s writhing from your words, a woman’s work must be done whether at home or her workplace so she buries her fears of screwing everything up by being herself, and carries on in hopes of changing your mind, even if you don’t know your mind needs changing because you haven’t spent one second dwelling on any of it. If she told you she was questioning everything she would be at risk of coming off as complaining while in reality she’s confused as to how you saw flaws she hadn’t, disappointed in herself for not being good enough, and likely angry that you think she always or never WHATEVER you said.  Ever notice she gets quiet without explanation, maybe inverts a bit for no reason and comes off irritated or cold?  There’s a good chance you’re paying for saying you always or never to your woman with no way to determine WHEN you said the wrong thing. Keep in mind, many women tally these things so that every time you REPEAT an always or never, she adds it to all the other times you’ve said the same things which can of course cause her to become extra aggravated each time you “add to the list”.  Your best beat is to avoid these word combinations all together so as to have one less thing creating havoc between you and your woman.  You can do it guys, all you have to do is think before you speak and you too, can keep the peace.

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life!

Date Night, is it a necessity or a waste of money?

Date Night, is it a necessity or a waste of money?

Aaaah, date night. My favorite except for the part where it hasn’t been a regular on our schedule for close to 10 years now if not better, and I gotta tell ya guys, not only do I notice as the woman, it breaks my heart a little.

Ok I get it guys. You’ve been together too long to waste time and money on date night when you spend every night at home together anyway right? You’re comfortable together so she knows you love her, you’re not trying to prove anything anymore or win her over so it’s not necessary? WRONG!! Let me explain.

To a woman, mother or not, date night is more than dinner, a movie and the bill that follows. A good woman typically isn’t picky about the details of where you go or how much you do or do not spend, it’s the time and effort that count.  Date night for your woman is mandatory even if she says it’s not because as the last priority in our world, we are always wanting to be some level of priority to you, always waiting for you to make us feel loved and wanted. When you commit to a date night, you’re showing her she’s worth your time, that you WANT to be around her and that you enjoy her company.  After a few years, some women begin to think you feel stuck with them if you’re not showing her otherwise, and as a result, she will become bitter. You’ll think she hates you, when in fact, she’ll hate herself for not being good enough for you to WANT her.  I know it seems like a run around guys but it’s not. This isn’t something we control, it’s just the way our brains work so you have to work with us. That being said, date night possibilities are endless since the most important factor is your presence. Please don’t think I’m telling you to take your woman to the movies every week, movies are nice but get old if it’s the only thing you spring for and she’ll feel like it’s just part of your routine and your efforts will be wasted. Want to keep your woman as happy as possible and thus, your life as peaceful as possible?  Get creative boys. Pick a night every week or every other week depending on what both of your schedules will allow and YOU make the plans.  Taking the weight of decision off your woman will make her feel slightly pampered, like she’s getting a break from life because all day long we women finalize decisions.  If you want extra gold stars from your woman, while you’re thinking of her, creatively planning a night out, think of things she enjoys too and work them in. She will likely be willing to go to a baseball game or car show if you are willing to go wine tasting or to a concert of a musician she loves. Never forget the power of compromise!   I know. You’re thinking you can’t dish out cash for big dates every week but that’s why I said get creative.  A date can be anything from a mini vaca to a local casino to a walk through the woods. I think my favorite dates have been times we have packed a lunch, walked around and just talked, laughed and wasted the time together.  You could check out free events in your area to see if anything is worthy of your time, in our area we can find music, festivals, fairs… we don’t necessarily spend much anywhere we go, the biggest investment is our time and it’s priceless.  When on dates forget age limits because playgrounds and fairs can be fun for adults too if it’s time you’re spending alone together and you let go long enough to have fun together and feel free, as you both should.

So yes boys, date night is worth the expense of your time and hard earned cash, just spend it wisely. It’s never a waste when the result is a good woman who is content because she feels wanted, who feels complete because you enjoy her company no matter how long you’ve been together. NEVER stop dating your woman no matter how comfortable things seem, you’ll reap the rewards for a lifetime if you do it right.

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life!

Why should I help around the house? I work…

Why should I help around the house? I work…

This one is from the mamas to the papas. For the dads who work so the moms can stay home with the kids. It’s an age old debate.  A good woman cannot be guaged by the condition of her home while raising children. I know, I know. You work 5-6 days a week, sometimes 12 hours a day, pay all the bills, put food on the table so you deserve to come home to a warm home cooked meal, a clean home and a tentative woman ready to fulfill any and all of your needs. Instead you walk through the door to find the family’s  leftovers you have to microwave yourself, a trashed house, and if your woman isn’t passed out in her clothes somewhere she is yelling at you to please grab the hamper for her and take out the trash, maybe a reminder to pay a bill or two. You’re thinking she’s ungrateful because you’re feeling neglected, lazy because you can’t see anything she has cleaned since you left for work, and now you’re pissed off, the last thing you need after working your ass off all day is to “do her job” too… I get it guys,i have worked WITH my man, I KNOW how hard he works and I’m sure you and your job aren’t any different. Let me fill you in on the hours 9-5 and beyond if you work extended shifts like in my house. We have all heard some mom somewhere list all her daily tasks, planned and unplanned. What you may not have heard is the mamas thoughts that go with the tasks and the weight of it all on your woman.

So you leave for work, most likely in clothes your woman washed and maybe even laid out for you.  You have a full day at work ahead of you and as you pull out of the driveway, you’re wishing you could stay home and relax all day like your woman. Meanwhile at home… depending on the age of your kids, your wife is already elbow deep changing diapers, wiping dried boogers off sleepy faces, getting kids up for school or the day (which let me tell you is a ridiculously drawn out process). Now when I wake up my kids, it typically takes at least 4 trips into each of their rooms before they finally get up.  If your woman is lucky, the kids are old enough to dress themselves so you’d think her job is simple. The little little ones need to be physically dressed which can take 20 minutes per kid EASILY. My kids can dress themselves but it doesn’t make my job easier, when they make it downstairs, they need to be inspected because someone is going to be wearing yesterday’s clothes, something stained and/or torn, or something inappropriate for the days schedule. My kids like to try to wear play clothes or shorts in the snow for school. It’s not as simple as go change your clothes please, it’s a battle that usually ends in your woman yelling and counting down to your littles doom until the kid snaps and stomps off to change against their will.  So now you’re just arriving to work after a quiet drive by yourself and your woman has already been covered in poop or snot, been screamed at, and run full laps through the house at LEAST 5 times and she hasn’t even tried to feed the kids yet. At this point, she is jealous of you. Wishing she got a quiet drive on the way to her job. Now food. Some moms cook big breakfasts, some do cereal or something easy. Obviously the big breakfast takes more time and effort and makes a bigger mess but the outcome is typically the same. The kids will stuff their faces, dropping food around them as they eat like it’s THEIR job, cover themselves in filth, (I know, cereal isn’t messy right? Hahaha do you know how much it sucks to scrub milk out of carpets and cracks in the floor knowing if you don’t the smell later will be horrendous?  And getting wet cereal chunks out of hair with the school bus seconds away from the house!? It’s bad, real bad…), and leave the remnants of their meal right where they sat, despite your woman’s 25 reminders to at LEAST clear their dishes. Now the kids have to be reinspected for filth, most likely wiped down, the bus is right around the corner and teeth still aren’t brushed, wait, where in the hell are the backpacks and their finished homework!? So your woman will shout commands to brush teeth while making a mad dash through bedrooms and the rest of the house collecting as much homework and as many backpacks and shoes as she can find. She will inspect the brushing process and start getting shoes on people, distributing backpacks and lunches or lunch money while counting down to the kid that tried to say they brushed their teeth while their breath still smells like ass. (Your kids think your woman is pretty old and dumb and won’t notice these things. HA!)  If your woman is having a GREAT day, the kids will end up with shoes on, teeth brushed, full bellies, backpacks, finished homework, and the proper outdoor clothes for the weather, about 30 seconds AFTER the bus rolls up to the front of the house and will be able to bolt out of the house in time to actually catch the bus before it drives away, usually with someone yelling as they run to the bus that something hurts or they are sick and can’t go to school and your woman is going to yell back to try to go and call if they can’t get through the day. Now that kids are on the bus, she’s either off to attach a baby to her boob if you have littles, amuse the toddlers, or if your kids have all gone to school, start the chores. Chores. Laundry, dishes, picking up the living room, bathroom, kitchen, dining room, and the bedrooms she dares enter, meals for the rest of the day and checking the schedules for the kids extracurriculars later, laundry she is going to run through every room of the house to collect because the damn kids never got into a basket, often having to sniff test questionable items which is enough to make her want to crawl in a hole and die at times. Once laundry is going she will pickup an armful of toys and garbage that’s in her path on the way to the kitchen to clean up the breakfast mess, soaking dishes, putting away food items that haven’t been devoured, sweeping the full meals worth of food the kids decided the floor looked naked without, and wiping up spills and messy surfaces and chances are, half of what they are wiping is now dried onto the table or counter so real scrubbing is necessary.  If you have littles still in the house, she’s only made it to the laundry before having to stop for diapers, tears, or giggles before ever making it to the kitchen.  If your woman is REALLY lucky, before using all the hot water for the dishes, she will at this point brew a pot of coffee before taking a 5 minute shower, just enough to get clean so forget the thought that she lounges in the tub, eating bon bons sipping wine. 5 minutes. Out of the shower, she pours her coffee, takes a couple sips while glancing at the calendar again willing the days schedule to stay burned into her brain, and takes off to pick up. Personally, I get through one or two rooms before laundry is done and have to stop picking up to change it over. Laundry going again, she will take two more sips of her now luke warm coffee before attacking the next room. While picking up another room, the phone rings (she hopes it’s you calling to say hello and that you love her but it rarely is)  with either a kid on the other end saying they need something or an appointment reminder for an appointment that… never made the schedule!? Shit, now she has to drop everything, go back to the calendar she JUST memorized and see what can be moved or sacrificed in order to make the appointment, or drive or walk to the school to tend to the needs of the child that called. Remember, if you have little littles, she will have to change them into clean diapers and clothes, outdoor gear, shoes and carseats before she ever makes it out the door which can NOT take anything less than 15 minutes per baby or  toddler plus at least 5 minutes to unload them from carseats at EVERY stop cause she can’t just leave the littles in the car while she runs into school. If there are no babies, she is still going to have to get her shoes on and make the trip so either way it’s time consuming. When she arrives back home it will be lunch time but she’s going to notice landscaping that needs attention, mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, picking trash from the yard, a pile of the kids junk in the yard or on the porch, so she will divert from house work for a bit to do the labor intensive yard work because she knows you’re working all day and doesn’t want you to have to do it on your day off. Sweaty and dishevelled from the yard work, once she makes it back indoors she will take a couple more sips of ice cold coffee she will vow to heat up in the microwave as soon as she’s finished picking up that room she walked out of to run to school. But wait, the damn laundry finished while she was gone so before she picks up she has to change all of that over, again. Laundry running, she will finish picking up a couple more rooms. Remember that if there are little littles involved, she will have had to stop for lunch, trashing the kitchen AGAIN, amusing the babies along the way which means she never even made it to picking up the other two rooms yet, shes still stuck at vowing to warm her coffee before her next sip.  After accomplishing picking up the best she can with the time she has, she will attempt to vacuum or sweep and mop before running to the store for food items. I don’t care if you grocery shop once a week, she’s still running to the store for something that was forgotten, prescriptions, school project supplies, SOMETHING. Walking through the errands, she will think of you again, missing you and hoping your day is less hectic than hers has been. Home from running errands and putting away whatever she bought during errands she will run a bag of garbage outside to the cans quick, slap together a snack and oh look, the kids are home already.  Your woman will go back into mom mode from here, wiping faces again, tentatively listening to the triumphs and disasters of the children’s school day, pouring over notes and graded papers in backpacks, new events to the calendar, inspecting the days homework assignments and if your kids are anything like mine, she will break up a fight or two. Guys. We are talking 10 minutes into the kids being home and she’s aleady breaking up fights and if there are babies, this is all happening while balancing a human being on her hip. While the kids are snacking, she will forget to heat her coffee, sip it cold again,and get so frustrated with it she will just dump out the rest. From snack the kids will bounce into another room to do homework, she will pick up the snack mess, go to help the kids with homework and find the room they’re in trashed again with sweatshirts, socks, shoes, a couple toys, bunched up papers from backpacks and dumped boxes of 1,000 crayons they are supposed to be using for homework but are instead launching across the room at each other. Stop here for babies, because they need to be changed and fed, again. This is the point where she wants to rip out her hair and she takes a millisecond to picture your handsome face and remember why she does what she does and look forward to the second you get home so she can have grown up time. After helping with homework FOREVER because common core is bullshit and geniuses don’t get  it, pleading with the kids to put finished homework in the backpacks (which somehow rarely happens because to kids, the couch is a safer place for homework?) and a sad attempt at picking up the trashed area, she will start changing kids and collecting gear for extra curriculars.  In our house, that’s music and sports. Depending on the day, she will have either started dinner in the crock pot earlier or will start dinner prep before leaving so at this point she is either feeding kids or cooking before a mad dash out the door to be 5 minutes late to wherever she’s going, despite getting ready an hour beforehand because… kids. If you have a 9-5 you’re getting home and either joining the fam at lessons or taking a breather but if it’s like our house, you’re STILL at work and your woman is wishing you didn’t have to be and could be standing next to her like the other dad’s with their families, she’s missing you, appreciating that you’re missing seeing your babies (big or small) play to put food on the table. She will cheer on the kids, feeling entirely spent, wipe a few tears from their little cheeks or talk then through sportsmanship when they get frustrated with coaches or peers and of course break up fights between whatever kids aren’t involved in the activity they are there for.  Once she dumps an arm load of gear back into the car, gets the kids loaded, breaks up a fight about who gets to sit where and finally makes it home, she hits the front door running. Dinner, dinner cleanup, any last homework or school project details, more diapers and feedings if there are babies, attempting to set out the next days clothes or at least make sure they made it into one of the loads she washed earlier and if not, MORE LAUNDRY, baths and showers for the kids which is a momentous battle between timing hot water, wet hair and forcing the kids in who refuse. In the midst of the pre-bedtime haul, she will glance at the clock and remember everything she didn’t get done, dusting, the rest of the picking up post kids coming home, that damn laundry, now dinner dishes, garbage that needs to go out again, something she has to bake for someones class, and the lawn mower she forgot to tuck back in the garage earlier, but then remembers you’ll be home soon and she feels like she finally got a breath of fresh air from the thought, GROWN UP TIME!  By the time your woman gets around to having the kids call you to say goodnight and gets them tucked into bed, having had a short conversation about the kids day and lovingly kissing each one good night, she is exhausted beyond words because she never even made it through her coffee but then she remembers you. You’ll be home within an hour or two now and she would ideally like to have the house you work so hard to provide, perfect for you so you’re at ease when you walk through the door after a long day at work. So she gets back to work on what now feels like a deadline, two hours and counting… back to the grind, she frantically starts sweeping, wiping, picking up, EVERYTHING she had already done, but there’s no evidence of her earlier efforts, damn kids!  In the back of her mind while she frantically scrubs is you. She wants to get your dinner together so it’s warm when you get there, have a nice dessert waiting for you, maybe watch a movie and snuggle when you get home, vent about the day to each other, make mad passionate love… all she has to do is finish picking up the living room, switch the laundry over one last time, take out the last bag of garbage, check backpacks for homework, make sure she didn’t miss anything on the schedule that’s needs prepping before tomorrow and check on the sleeping littles, then it’s all you baby.  Then amidst the chaotic scramble to perfect everything, the door opens and there you are, exhausted from a full day of work, disappointed that what you work so hard for now looks like a dump zone and you’re wondering WHY you work so hard.  Your dinner isn’t on the table because she thought you’d be another 30 minutes and she literally just ran out of time. What you don’t realize guys is at this moment, your woman’s heart just sank down to her gut.  I know what you’re thinking, I just finished saying she was anticipating your return, excited about seeing you, all day long so she should be jumping up and down like a Dallas cowboy cheerleader or something, why the hell would she be disappointed to see me? Right?  It’s not you guys. This is the moment that she missed her deadline, she knows the house isn’t up to your standards, hell, it’s not up to hers!  She didn’t get to set anything up for you she had planned in her head, she knows you can’t see anything she cleaned all day and that you’re probably upset with her about not having done enough while she knows her efforts were basically wasted and she can’t figute out why she tries so hard because she NEVER makes progress. (If you have babies, insert a changing and feeding here.)  She will make small talk with you quick, how was your day, are you hungry, maybe a quick kiss and run off to heat your dinner or pull that load of laundry out of the dryer that won’t stop buzzing until she at least opens the dryer door. In desperation, she yells to you to please take out the trash and dump the laundry basket onto the table for her, thinking if she just finishes up the last few things around the house, you would feel better and the rest of the night could go as she planned.  Shes thinking trash and laundry dumping are really small tasks that you wouldn’t mind helping with even though she feels guilty asking knowing you worked all day but she HAS to heat your dinner for you so how else? I know man, you’re grumbling and grunting about having to do housework that she should have done earlier because she had aaaaaall day while you were working to get this shit done! (Let’s remember now what you’ve already read. I told you she already ran several loads of laundry and took out the garbage at least once, you just can’t tell. Again, damn kids!)  Once you’ve grumbled through your assigned tasks, if you do them at all, you’ll eat dinner while she runs around like a tornado finishing anything she can while you’re occupied eating, when all she wants to do is sit down with you and sip a glass of wine or sooomething, anything, other than clean more. This is supposed to be grown-up time goddamnit.  You’ll probably shower or clean yourself up after dinner while she runs to make sure the kids didn’t leave chips or popsicles or some other surprise under the comforter of your bed BEFORE you get to it.  If you’ve got a really good woman, when you make it to your bed, finally, she may rub your feet or legs or back, maybe a full body massage while she thinks about how her muscles are screaming but she wants you to feel good going to work the next day because she knows how hard you work… either way she will lay down with you, thinking ok, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for, crazy passionate love, yaaaaay!  Except when she goes to touch you, you’ve already fallen asleep or she falls asleep building up to it in her head.  No goodnight, no kiss, just lights out. Unless you fall asleep at the same time, chances are, someone’s upset because their partner passed out and they didn’t get any, sometimes you, sometimes her. (If you have a baby, insert another one of those glorious feedings and changes here, again.)

So what have have we learned here boys? Your woman works her ass off, selflessly, daily, just like you.  This didn’t include things like sick kids or a sick woman, things that break, kids dramatic issues with peers, pets, bathroom accidents, 3 day massive school projects, emergency room visits, broken vehicles or appliances, this was just a breakdown of an average, uneventful day in the life of a real woman. She never asks for help because she wants to, the house is rarely messy because she didn’t try, she never ever forgets or fails to appreciate how hard you work for the family even if she forgets to TELL you, and she does it all wanting to be better for you. Even though you work hard too, maybe the next time she asks you to take the garbage out, you could do it without the grumbles and pick a night to rub her to thank her for all the work she does you will never see.  Remember you go home after work, a mamas job, never ends.  

If you read this far, chances are you’re a good guy who has a good woman so I’ll give you an extra tip.  It wouldn’t hurt to throw in a date night or flowers once in awhile to remind her you appreciate the work she does as much as she appreciates the work you do, to give you BOTH a little much deserved time off from the job. Bonus: It’s time you get to spend with your beautiful woman!!

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life!

Can I win an argument?

Can I win an argument?

I know this is a touchy subject guys, things get heated, you yell, she yells and even if you “win”, she takes it out on you foreeeeeeever so you lose anyway right?  Lol, in order to win an argument, you may have to change your perspective of what winning is. Ladies, you’re going to have to work with him while he’s learning and give him credit when it’s due.

Now winning doesn’t necessarily mean getting the last word or being right boys. Winning is being able to walk away after an argusation (a conversation that borders with or merges into an argument) with everyone’s dignity in tact, not having to watch over your shoulder for payback, with as little damage to each other as possible. Winning is sleeping in your bed rather than on the couch. To achieve this is easier than you may think bit it DOES take effort.  When you know you’re at that point in the argusation where nothing else can be successfully achieved, it’s time to back out guys.  I know it’s impossible to listen to her yelling her closing statements but make yourself listen long enough to know what she’s trying to achieve. Try to agree with her if you can and it won’t kill you to throw in an apology.  This goes back to our primortal need to be heard and have our thoughts and fear and ideas justified. It’s as much an animal instinct as your need to let one rip after a couple bowls of reeeeaaaally good chilli, sometimes we NEED the last word so we know that you heard us without dismissing our input. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is what it is, and this is the only way to win.  If she knows she’s been heard, you try to right what she says or thinks is wrong, apologize, and recognize when to stop your end of the argusation, you actually have a chance of sleeping in your bed at the end of the day with a woman who feels content having been heard and loved. Better than the dog house isn’t it?

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life…

Do I stay or do I “chase” her

Do I stay or do I “chase” her

You know what I’m talking about, everybody who has ever been in a relationship has a some point faced the scenario where the woman storms off, angry about things you can barely fathom let alone understand and then you have to decide whether it’s worth the effort and the risk to go after her.  With all the women I’ve discussed this topic with, men’s efforts seem to be similar as are the results. It seems you guys most typically run after your women after a disagreement or she’s had a bad day when relationships are new but stop running once any significant amount of time has been put into your relationship. What’s at risk!?  Ha, if you don’t chase her when you should, or give her space when you should, you’re going to be faced with the miserable version of your loving woman. Don’t try to deny it ladies, I’ll be the first to admit I can be a downright raging bitch, especially to my man and you know you are sometimes to.

You should all know, if while thinking about bitch mode, either one of you can’t decifer between everyday normal mode and bitch mode because she’s typically raging, that may be a sign that IT’S NOT WORKING so pay attention. You either have a LOT of work to do or a lot of breaking up to do. Good Luck. The good should always somehow out way the bad folks. 1+1=2, commen sense. 

The burning question, should you chase her, ignore her, hive her space, shower her with attention and affection… the answer isn’t simple guys but you too, CAN figure this out.

#1 First think about the content of your argument or the reason for her recent flight or flight attempt. As women, we tend to be much more emotional than you and no, our being emotional doesn’t necessarily mean we are having a monthly visitor. Details will vary but there are two general categories here. She’s either stressed out from something that has to do with you, or something having to do with NOT you and yes, both scenarios are equally your problem. If she has fled because of you, there’s more information you’ll need to decide whether you should go on a chase but if it’s outside forces, unless she hits some of the other warning signs in following steps, you should probably follow her.

#2 Determine volume. If she’s giving you the silent treatment or being very quiet, she’s likely waiting for you to make her feel better.  Hold her, hug her, tell her you understand, ask her if you can make or get dinner for her, make her feel wanted. If she’s yelling or screaming, she’s likely waiting for you to say or do the “right” thing, but may need some space a messed up thing that’s involuntary on a womens end but we need to feel heard and understood. If she’s having a fit, take a second to remember why you love her and remind her that you do in any way you can, apologize even if she just THINKS you’re in the wrong, when she snaps out of it and you’re there, you’ll be her knight in shining armor and with any luck, get a dose of makeup love… If she’s alone when she collects her emotions, you’re probably going to pay for it and let’s be honest, that’s   pretty.  If after her yelling and screaming, you try to say the right thing but you can’t get through and she leaves anyway, give her some reasonable time but DON’T neglect her. After she’s had a little bit cool down, call or text, apologize again, ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel better. You may have to ease into conversation, remember, she’s still heated and no matter the circumstances feels 100% justified in choosing to walk away and it’s your job as the man in her life to make her feel that while leaving may have been justified, need her to be whole. (I know it’s mushy and sounds like a lot of work but hear me out!) 

#3 Crying. There’s pouting, tearing up, crying, bawling, and hyperventilating. You probably have a little more wiggle room if she is pouting or tearing up and should chase her, she’s probably doing that thing I as talking about where she needs to feel wanted, important and heard.  No, this is not the same as just wanting attention, this is something we can’t help but need and has nothing to do with wants so you’re going to have to deal with it regardless. If she’s crying or bawling, especially in combination with yelling and/or screaming, she probably needs a break and a little space. I’m not talking days but especially if there are kids adding to her stress level too, she needs a breather. Give her a half hour to an hour before you either go to look for her or try contacting her and for the love of all that is holy, when you do finally see or talk to her again, SAY SOMETHING NICE, no woman wants to here, “Wow, you went a little crazy there”, “are you done being a bitch” or anything else to the effect. We were there, if we were a bitch, we already know and don’t need to be told. That sorry word is worth its weight in gold, I love you being a close runner up, you know these words guys, use them. Use them often and you may find your self going on fewer angry woman chases which would be better for all of us. IF SHE IS HYPERVENTALATING AND SAYING SHE NEEDS TO GO, SHE NEEEEEEEEDS TO GO. This one is important and the utmost sign that she needs space she is probably begging for between gasps of air and sobbing. Guys, you don’t have to have killed our puppy in front of us for us to get this way and no it’s not juvenile, it’s womanly like farting under the covers is somehow manky to you, it’s just a thing.  In this case she may need a few hours to do something for herself. If you’re in the doghouse, this is a phenomenal place to offer to give her some time or money to do anything where she is the focal point so that as she cools down she thinks of how at least you aided in her finding some kind of peace. Periodic I love yous and I’m sorrys will go far during the time she is recovering from her breakdown, not conversations, just little reminders.  If she refuses to answer you, you may have to wait for her to be back to you. Be ready, you have the best chance if when she shows up you have down something for her. Wash the dishes, fix the door she’s been begging you for for months, pick a handful of flowers on the side of the road, a short little hand written poem, SOMETHING so she knows you were thinking of her while she was out and that she didn’t fall victim to out of sight out of mind, and ease back in with love and apologies even if you think you did nothing wrong because you probably did in woman land.  

#4 If she gets out of the car and insists on walking, the answer is simple. Beg her not to but if she insists, let her walk but NEVER longer than 15/20 minutes. Let her walk and either be waiting for her on the side of the road up ahead somewhere or circle back around to pick her up. If she never gets I’m the car, proceed with moving ahead a ways on the road and waiting for her to be into view before driving farther so you can tell her you were watching to be sure she was safe, trust me guys, you showing that her safety matters, matters.

Hey guys, where she runs in these situations can be a way to guage her GOOD WOMAN status.  A good woman will run to a friend to vent, go for a walk, go running with her favorite tunes, go to her favorite nature spot, go grocery shopping etc.  If you find yourself frequently picking your woman up tore up at a bar, at the homes or hotel rooms of other men, or indecent, there’s a chance she’s not one of the GOOD women I’m addressing throughout this blog and you may want to seriously ponder what you’re planning to get from your relationship other than drama. 

So the answer to whether you should go or chase her is that you ALWAYS chase her. ALWAYS if she’s a good woman, just study the steps I’ve just provided you with so you know WHEN to chase her. Once you’ve accomplished the night in shining armor statis, chances are, you’re getting lucky on the other side of her fleeing.

Remember boys, married or not, the same rule of thumb applies to every relationship… happy wife, happy life.