For the Love of Posterity

For the Love of Posterity

This one is for all my fellow humans, near or far, young and old, all genders, all races, all religions, single, married, in a relationship, divorced, widowed, LBT or straight… ALL HUMANS…

pos·ter·i·ty
päˈsterədē/
noun
All future generations of people
For the love of Posterity, we need to do better guys.  We are failing because somewhere along the line, we forgot to look at the big picture and let hate take over. I don’t watch the news on a regular basis anymore because it makes me nauseous hearing what my fellows humans have done in the heat of mounting hate. I don’t even know where to begin…
We have lost touch with some age old ethics and we as a species need to bring them back. It’s not enough to simply wish upon a star and hope things will become better. We all hear about the stories of mass shootings, murders, deciet in our personal and business AND political worlds, neighbors being nasty to their fellow neighbors, attacks on public service personnel like the many police officers we hear about on the news and sometimes actually know, civilians being attacked by authorities unnecessarily, hostage situations, robberies, dwi accidents that claim lives, children and elderly being abused, domestic violence, pollution, hate crimes out the wazoo…
WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING PEOPLE!?
Hmmm, sorry, what I mean to say is, what happened to, “treat your neighbors as your brothers”? Ok maybe you don’t deface your neighbors property or scream profanities at them so you consider yourself a good neighbor. But let me ask you this, do you say hello to your neighbors when you pass them? Welcome newcomers to your building or community with a pie or cookies or even a friendly conversation to out then at ease?  Do your neighbors kids know to go to your house or run past if they have an emergency when their parents arent home?  Do you keep an eye in yiur neighbors homes when they’re on vacation or ignore it if you see something out of the norm?  Do you clean your dogs waste up when you walk your dog?  Do you exchange Christmas cards or invite each other to get togethers?  Would you even know if they moved away?  Our ancestors’ neighbors were some of their closest friends. They looked out for each other and helped each other improve their lives, “washed each other’s backs” so to say.  Even when I was young, we explored our neighbors woods, picked berries on their property, swam in their minds and road our bikes in their driveways. All the neighborhood kids played kick the can together at dusk and nobody was afraid. Those who didn’t get along just kept their distance, living their lives happily separate.  People forgave accidents rarher than suing people, true issues were dealt with through talk and compromise, in a court room if it were serious. People still committed crimes of course but you could feel safe surrounded by your neighbors. Neighbors are just more strangers anymore and that’s what we have to offer towards posterity.  If we are going to heal, if we have any hope in diluting hate, we have to start togetherness somehow. Why not start with your neighbors?  I don’t care if they look different so they scare you, practice a different religion, love people you don’t, or are a different color of the rainbow than you, none of us is better than  another. You all SHARE oxygen. You all have fears, you’ve all cried, laughed, loved, lost. SAY HELLO THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE THEM!  Change the mood of the planet because we are all sitting on the same one and start fixing what’s around you. This isnt for other humans, this is for you. Think about how much bettee you’d feel if you trusted your neighbors, maybe even liked them rather than feeling as though you have to lock your doors from them and avoiding awkward passings. If you didn’t have to panic if you ran out of sugar in the middle of baking a birthday cake or if you forgot to lock a door and remembered AFTER leaving town… How wonderful would it be for YOU if you could juju call your neighbors for help!? That’s the kind of world I want to live in please. Think about it and plan your next move. Your mission should you choose to accept it: befriend a neighbor.  Thank you in advance for your contribution ti bettering our current shared living quarters here on earth. Never know, your flowers could be growing from seeds from my garden. The world is smaller than you think so yes, each one of your contributions towards the betterment of our species counts, no matter where you are.
Do you remember when humans practiced, “do and say unto others what you’d like others to do and say unto you”? This one makes me sad in a big bad way because people’s hurtful words have become such a regular part of our societal norm that most barely even recognize their use of hurtful words anymore or assume it’s socially acceptable. I’m guilty. I have said PLENTY of hurtful things to people in my life time, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes on purpose. I’ve said things to people faces but also behind people’s back which is just as bad if not far worse.  Think of what it would look like if every hurtful comment or remark that ever left your lips were to take on a physical form. For sake of argument, lets call each physical form a 1″ x 1″ box.  How many full sized tractor trailers would your words fill if you added them all up over your lifetime?  Now let’s add the boxes of the other 6,999,999,999 people.  Take away a few for the innocent children and infants but that still leaves billions of humans with an archive of words that hurt someone somehow.  How many trailers could we stack in an area without them falling? How far around the world’s physical land would our trailers cover? Would we be able to stack and arrange them all and still manage to have enough physical dry land left for the 7 billion humans and eat and live and exist? (Yes babies and innocents count in the number who must exist, they would suffer from our words having taken up the majority of earths surface, even not having contributed to our trailers.) If you think about it, this IS our reality. The free space in which we have to live is only as big as the space left after our words destroy relationships and/or other humans, prevent new acquaintances from entering our bubbles, and “burning bridges”. How big is the space you’re living in? Now I’d like to assume there’s a way to fix anything that’s broken so I’d say it’s reasonable to assume from this point on, now that you’re “enlightened”, all your OLD boxes should be able to disapate with every 3 instances where you use kind words towards, or do good deeds for those who aren’t already in your world. The only problem is, now that you KNOW, every hurtful word or deed towards others including those in your circle of humans, will take 100 good deeds to disapate… How much space would YOU have?  Would you have ANY if your trailers of words filled the space you live in now or would you be crushed by the weight of it?  Words that hurt stack up for the recipients and can’t be erased. I know you didn’t grow up aspiring to add to others humans emotional and sometimes even physical demise. I know we don’t mean to hurt each other but none the less, we sooooo often do. Go forward thinking about your space, your boxes, your words, your actions. If we all consciously prevent more hate boxes from forming and work on breaking down the ones we have already formed when we didn’t know better, we’ll have a lot more room to run, and more room to breathe on this teeny tiny planet. Wouldn’t that be nice?  If for no other reason, do it for ME please. I’m clostrophobic, I can’t handle less space.😉
When I was a kid, I was told repeatedly to respect my space and especially others humans spaces, “leave others belongs and spaces as you found them, or BETTER than you found them”.  So I don’t know if its just a fundamental thats been forgotten or what’s going on here but we are literally destroying everything… we are boworring the earth from the planet while we are here so why mess it up?  No I’m not a tree hugger or a “hippy” but seriously… we litter and drive too many vehicles, eat processed foods, and live on electronics more than with our heads up, all while adding our physical garbage to waste facilities by the truck loads. We need to calm down. This isn’t just an issue with our carbon footprint. It counts with humans whose spaces you’re in too.  Do you return items you borrow from people?  Do you lend a hand to tidy a space youve been in that bings to another? Do you fix things you’re responsible for breaking rather than ignoring the problem?  This especially counts for those committing crimes. You can’t possibly think that by shooting other humans and buildings, breaking and entering, creating trama, defacing what others have worked for, or changing the path of people’s lives in any negative way is an example of bettering anything, certainly nor leaving things as you found them. Why can’t we just live by “to each their own” and walk away from things we don’t like, never to look back rather than causing destruction and torment?  Think about it. Don’t like it, don’t shoot someone, or attack people or destroy lives or properties, or say harsh things, just walk away. WALK AWAY!!
For those of you suffering at the hands of another, whether from a tragedy that made the news recently or otherwise, I am so sorry that you’re hurting.  I can’t help your personal situation but I am going to work within my own world to bring back some of the fundamental ethics we have all too easily forgotten in hopes that others will follow and eventually change the vibe of our planet. Until then, chin up love, hope isn’t gone, I still have faith in our species and our ability to right what has gone terribly wrong. We can and we will make it better together, for the love of Posterity.
Remember humans, we all deserve a better world! 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/discover-challenges/for-posterity/

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Gone Too Soon… My Suicidal Confession

Gone Too Soon… My Suicidal Confession

This is a bit off my typical topics but with another loss of a young one too close to home, I want to take a second to acknowledge suicide. This one is for the girls, boys, women, men, mamas, and papas. I apologize if I offend but that is not my intention. My intention is for you to feel…

I am contemplating the content of this post while thinking over the course of my life.  I’ve been suicidal so I know that suicidal thoughts can be as real as the setting sun. (No, I am not suicidal these days so don’t feel a need to worry.) It’s hard to picture and put back into words, but I often hear people condemning those who either attempt or succeed in suicide to hell, there’s typically talk about how the depressed soul was actually only seeking attention, that they had a choice… yes, there is always a choice, but the rest… ok, let me start from the beginning… I can think of 2 true points in my life where I had nothing left to give.  If you are or have been depressed or know someone who is or has suffered from depression, if you’ve ever been affected by suicide, if you’re a hater, you’ll want to read this…

When I was younger, probably about 15, I had my first battle with true depression that left me truly contemplating the pros and cons of my existence and plotting a pheasable escape from my tormenting teenage life. See, I wasn’t huge but I was plump vs the typical highschool beauty queen and suffered tormenting, and sometimes relentless bullying. Thing is, I was very strong so I as naturally larger but my brain didn’t wrap around that at the time. I would go home with memories of the days miseries from a “thunder thighs” chant in gym class to snickers from peers in the hallway when I’d be red in the face from running from one wing of the school to the other, but they assumed I struggled with the stairs because they assumed I was overweight.  I had a best friend as a kid, but she quickly became popular, and I became the awkward, plump, poor girl.  My flaws ate at me so I worked hard to make myself what people wanted me to be. I thought that if I could only be skinny… so I worked out. Hard. But I didn’t know at that age HOW to work out to achieve weight loss rather than to gain muscle mass so I did what I thought people did and lifted intense weights in the highschool weight room and stopped eating unless I HAD too. When I appeared to be larger after months of working out and actually gained weight, my heart broke and I couldn’t get my mind around how and why I couldn’t look like everybody else. Like the pretty girls… so I stopped working out and started attempting to throw up everything I ate. I didn’t have much progress that way (of course since most of my bulk was muscle but I didn’t know that then…) and it hurt so I gave up. I stopped eating until I was so hungry I was actually dizzy, sometimes for days, for a few weeks before my young mind decided I couldn’t do it. I decided I was doing an injustice to the world making everyone look at me because I thought I looked like I couldn’t even take care of myself, nothing more than an eye sore. I felt at the time like I had no friends, with lots of siblings my parents were often broke and I felt like a burden, my teachers seemed cold towards me vs other students, and my grades began to slip as I inverted, dressed all in black and shunned the world because I thought I didn’t fit in ANYWHERE. I began to conform around people I thought I WANTED as friends to br the person I thought they wanted and expected me to be and completely lost track of who I once was. At 15, this consumed my entire world. My depression stacked until I hit a point where I convinced myself that everyone around me would be better off if I were gone. I didn’t cry to people about my feelings or threaten suicide, I didn’t guilt people or give my prized possessions away, I didn’t write a note, it wasn’t about anybody else, it was just me, not in any way for attention, I just felt entirely hollow. Void of emotion, nothing made me happy, nothing made me sad, I just didn’t give a fuck and it didn’t seem worth sticking around for my parents to waste money feeding and housing me and for my peers to have to suffer being around me. I just decided. So one afternoon after many sleepless nights of contemplation as to what the most decent and clean way to kill myself would be, out of respect for my younger siblings and parents, I went to the basement and grabbed a solo cup and a gallon of bleach that sat on the laundry detergent shelf. I climbed up on the dryer and just sat, bleach and cup in hand. I don’t know how long I sat but it felt like an eternity as I willed myself to feel anything. I thought of my “friends”, my parents, my grandparents, my kitten, sunsets, Christmas mornings passed, but when I didn’t feel anything, I was sure it was time. I unscrewed the cap on the bleach and thought about the process. This was before Google so I didn’t have a way to KNOW what would happen so I decided it would taste really bad, burn and hurt like a mofo but I should only suffer for about a half hour or so and figured that was nothing in comparison to the prize at the end of the tunnel. I was looking forward to peace rather than misery and no more haunting others with my presence.  I have no problem now admitting that I was scared shitless but I was committed. I lifted the jug to pour my last breaths into my cup, when the door at the top of the stairs opened. Out of all people, it was my mother and I was caught red-handed. She came down to do laundry with a smile on her face and asked what I was doing. I said, “nothing”, so she loaded the washer and went back upstairs. I thought I escaped my mothers wrath and that she didn’t put things together enough to realize my intentions, but I put the bleach back, threw away the cup, and sulked up to my room. I knew my mom would be back down for laundry so there was a chance she would come down and “save” me before I got a chance to die so I had to wait. I planned to finish my mission once my parents went to bed and I knew I’d have a few hours before I risked anyone stumbling upon my body. I was scared of the pain I’d have to temporarily endure but at peace with my decision, thinking I was contributing to the world being a better place.  Please realize, this wasn’t a spur of the moment, rash decision I made because I was just a moody teenager who didn’t get her way, it was a decision I came to after what felt like a couple of YEARS of being the odd one out and not being accepted or wanted or needed by fellow humans.  I went through the remainder of that day quiet and withdrawn like every other day, finally feeling like I was getting wisps of fresh air thinking of an actual end to my plaguing life. I felt like there was far more weight on my shoulders than I could carry alone and that I didn’t have a right to burden anyone else with my selfish problems because I knew I should be thankful for what I had, I just didn’t feel it. After dinner I retreated to my bedroom one last time to listen to some music while I pumped myself up to go through with it, all I had to do was wait a couple more hours till I could hear my parents snoring in their bedroom a couple of doors down. But then, life sent me a game changer. At the time my mom was typically climbing into bed, she came into my room with a pile of laundry and busied herself with putting it away. Mind you, this was NOT something she usually did, putting away my clothes was my responsibility but there she was. At first I was irritated because she was interfering in my space and with my plan but I didn’t have any fight left so I silently watched her shuffle through drawers and shelves, organizing what seemed like every garment I had ever owned. I thought her visit was about laundry but then she changed my world. My sweet, innocent, nagging mother whose objective  I thought was to make me miserable, with her back to me said, “I tried it once too ya know”.  I stayed silent but my mind began racing. My mom didn’t ever do anything wrong, adults and children alike seemed to enjoy her presence and she was well respected, there was no way she had ever been as I was at that moment, but then she kept going without so much as a twitch of acknowledgement from me. My mom began to slowly, quietly, describe pieces of the desperation I was feeling through her own experiences. Where her path to depression was far different than mine, the result and feelings of hollow loss of all things happy was similar enough that I somehow connected and it clicked, I realized if my mom felt this way all those years ago, there was NO way I could be alone with how I felt. I thought that maybe I needed to change my perspective a bit vs the world changing for me. I don’t remember her words exactly but I do remember her telling me about her attempt to cut her wrists in her youth and the profound wave of oxygen the realization that I was only human provided me with, as my brain wrapped around her confession. When she ran out of the laundry that was providing such a welcomed barrier between mother and daughter and the emotions that were on the verge of explosion, she simply sat of the far edge of my bed and and finished her story. when she finished she said she loved me, sweet dreams, and then, “it’s a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem, everything can always be fixed somehow”, before walking out shutting, my door behind her. She never said outright that she knew what I was doing in the basement, she never asked me what was wrong or probed me for an explanation.  She simply gave me the best gift a mother could give her child at what was an entirely critical moment in my life, she gave me herself and a better understanding for the fact that we are more alike than I ever thought possible. She gave me enough of herself that I realized I REALLY wasn’t alone because NOBODY is perfect and NOBODY is happy 24/7 in the real world but that every low as an even higher high, NOT EVEN MY MOOOOTHER was without flaws.  I’m not sure she even remembers this incident anymore or knows how profound her words and her impeccable timing were that night.  I’m not sure what she was feeling at that moment or if she knew how close she was to losing me, but her momstincts (instincts unique to motherhood, I experience them often these days) kicked in and she single-handedly saved my life that night. Her confession didn’t solve or end the problems I thought I had, but they did make me think I may be strong enough to stay in the game just a little longer, until days became weeks, became months and then years and life shifted enough so that I didn’t feel like I was being choked by my hollow sorrow because I moved on, without even realizing I had, like humans often do.

Depression is real in a way you can’t fathom if you don’t suffer from it personally. Text book symptoms are bad enough between fatigue, lack of enjoyment in everyday activities, mood swings, physical pain, the list goes on and on but the worst of it is what isn’t on that list because it’s almost impossible to put into words. You know that feeling when you’re holding back real tears, maybe after the death of a loved one or when you’ve REALLY gotten hurt in front of a crowd or something equally embarrassingly emotional or so unbearable that you literally feel like you’re choking on your tears that haven’t quite started flowing yet?  That choking feeling… you feel like you can’t breathe, it feels like your throat is literally clenching dangerously tight to where it can actually feel hard to breathe, sometimes it even burns a little. That choking is depression. Only with depression deep enough that it leads to suicidal thoughts or actions, that choking feeling is somehow in your throat, around your heart and wrapped tightly around your brain so that EVERYTHING hurts. Every thought becomes lost in the distracting pain of being choked out throughout your entire body, every physical move hurts the muscles that have locked from the physical pain and muscle fatigue of “staying afloat” while fighting just to breathe. The biggest problem is that with depression, a good cry won’t loosen the feeling of being choked but rather make it worse and the grip tighter. There becomes a feeling of desperation at a point where you just can’t bear anymore constant pain, pain that is as real as the sun is hot.  I was one of the lucky ones. I was never medicated because somehow the small circle of humans I keep in my life always somehow eventually manage to tough things out with me long enough that I have time to force my perspective to change enough to eventually breathe again and find happiness, although it ever fleeting, in the little things in life.

The second time I nearly killed myself was much more dramatically violent and I may have been even closer to going through with it than with the bleach. I had been with the same man for years. We had a couple of kids, had suffered through rough patches but always came through. That was our thing, no matter how bad things for we never ran from each other so he in essence made me sane, like I had a place where I belonged. I was entirely in love with him and considering the kids, despite our not being married, I assumed we would grow old together. After a few years we drifted apart some, dates, sex, talks, it all seemed to dwindle and things would become awkward after I started assuming he was having an affair. He swore he wasn’t over the course of a couple more years and I knew better. One day he stopped trying to hide his girlfriend from me but still slept in my bed every night until he finally admitted he had been sleeping with her in the same sentence that he revealed that she was pregnant.  My world came crashing down around me as every dream I’d ever dreamt shattered at my feet and I was instantly drowning again, being choked by my own sorrow and regret. I blamed myself, then I blamed her, then I blamed him, then I blamed the kids, it all came in stages and most of it i just hashed out in my head, never expressing my current thoughts in the blame game. It was terrible to think such things of me and my children but I couldn’t wrap my mind around how I just wasn’t good enough. Not good enough to stay close to him, not good enough to keep him, not good enough to provide for my babies on my own and not good enough to deserve to be their mother and shape young minds to be… like me!?  Depression hit me HARD. I would sit up for hours and hours while the kids slept, wondering where he was and what he was doing, contemplating what I could do to make him want me again, to want our family and nitpicking my parenting in an attempt to figure out how I could love them so little that I found a way to blame THEM for a while in my head when I had thought they were my whole world and parallel to their fathers importance in my life if not even more so than him. I was broken and taking people around me down fast. I pushed friends away, lies to my family telling them everything was great and making up wonderful things he had done for me so that they wouldn’t judge my children’s daddy, and thus me. I felt stupid, inadequate, like a waste of space again. I began to think that by being sad around my kids, they would become less than they were meant to be and that they deserved better. I convinced myself over the course of about 6 months that I couldn’t live not being loved and I couldn’t live in a world where I was less than another woman to a man who I loved unconditionally. Somewhere towards the end of he girlfriends pregnancy I lost it. I couldn’t bear t anymore because he kept telling me to wait and he’d be home but would throw me under the bus if I confronted him in front of her, being intimate all along because I loved him enough to WANT to believe anything he told me about us getting beyond that point. I forgave him but somehow couldn’t forgive myself for having done nothing wrong but at the time, I couldn’t see that.  I felt like a third wheel who was ruining the people I loved so one day I left the kids with their grandmother and went to the woods. I think I told her I had a work thing to get her to babysit… I didn’t bring much with me. A belt, a bottle of booze, a pack of cigarettes and a blanket. I started out with my phone but must have left it in the car or something because I know I didn’t have only in the woods. It was light out when I got there but daylight was quickly fading so I went about attaching the belt to a tree limb, noose style. Once it was secure I dragged forest debris over to make a pile just short enough for me to reach my noose to slip it around my neck if I stood on my tippy toes. My plan was to kick the debris away as I swung by the belt so I wouldn’t be able to change my mind and obtain footing. With my set up.complete, I sat down to drink and smoke my last pack while I reminisced over what had brought me to where I was. All I could think of was how it had to be me, I knew it when I was kid, I knew it then, I just wasn’t “normal”. I wasn’t HAPPY like other people and for whatever reason, somehow didn’t deserve to be. I thought of the years of both of our lives I had wasted being naive, and the damage I had already done being the main influence in my children’s lives. Enough was enough. As I drank and the world became cloudy I began to weep and then bawl uncontrollably. All the pain and loss and screw ups and emptiness and inferiority all bundled into a weight that felt like it was forcing every breath out of my lungs before I even finished taking in a full breath. I felt as though I was at the end of a tunnel and I owed it to those I truly loved to not exist so that they could move on and somehow find happiness.  I decided the only way they could be happy was if I stopped weighing them down. My eyes full to the brim with tears, I screamed at the sky about how I couldn’t do it anymore (there weren’t any humans for miles so I wasn’t a raging lunatic in he middle of a city block just fyi) and the sky exploded with literally no warning. It began to pour and I chocked it up to my shitty luck. The rain stopped while I was walking back to my spot in the woods but the lightning in the clouds didn’t.  It was an uncommon site, but the blackened night clouds against a nearly full moon that casted every shadows everywhere, seemed to light up individually as their electrical charges couldn’t contain themselves any longer but seriously only WITHIN the clouds.  The harder I cried, the more the clouds seemed to flicker and it almost felt like a cosmic response, like the night sky was responding to my pleas to not hurt people, like I was being told to look at the bigger picture. By the time I made it back to my tree, it had started to sprinkle again and I decided if I was drunk enough to be receiving universal messages I was drunk enough to finish what I started. I climbed onto the pile of debris, rose to my tippy toes to slip the noose around my neck, and I slipped. I made a few more useless attempts to fasten the noose and became frustrated enough to wait till it stopped raining, cursing the unpredicted weather for making my “step” slick. Feeling defeated I crawled under my blanket, cheek to earth and went over all my logic for completing my mission. All the people who would be better off and the great service I was doing for them, the promise of no more pain or deceit, no more ruining lives by existing… amongst my recounting my reasoning, I drifted into a deep alcohol and depression induced sleep right there in the soggy forest floor. No tent or flashlight or fire, just me, the dark and the creatures of the woods. I don’t remember dreaming but I was jolted awake by something and the feeling that I was being watched. I opened one eye, and hovering above me, in the middle of the dark woods in the middle of the night, lit only by a faint mist of moonlight through the clouds an trees, was him. I hadn’t told him where I was but somehow he found me under my blanket in the dark and once again, it was the one person I needed who showed up. I know it sounds stupid because he’s the one that created my depressive spiral but there has been enough heavy shit over the duration of our very long relationship that we weren’t just a couple, he was my best friend. I didn’t know how to talk to anybody else when I was hurting.  Our being done had taken all that out from under me so I felt like I had no stability and thus no stability to offer those around me.  He showed up not as my x as my best friend, held out his hand, told me I looked ridiculous, giggled a little and pulled me up from the ground pulling leaves and sticks from my hair.  He hugged me and said we should go catch a movie so we could talk and we did. We hashed things out while he reminded me of the good I gave our kids, apologizing for our drifted relationship as a couple not ending correctly, but never shamed me for the noose he has to have seen or for being too dramatic or accused me of seeking attention. He was just there, I was LITERALLY not alone because he was still right there and our end didn’t negate my value. I don’t know if he knew then or ever realize that he saved my life that night, that I had made up my mind and was going to grant what I thought was his wish and in the best interest of my family but was merely halted by the weather and then his choice to not ignore signs he must have seen I didn’t know I was portraying, maybe it WAS the universes storm… who knows, but his timing was as impeccable as my mother’s all those years before. I assume one of the true pieces of magic that make love real is that super power. The ability to see through the guises of the people you love so you can be where you need to be for them when they need you most, even when YOU don’t know you’re doing it…

To those who are depressed, especially those considering suicide you need to know, even if you feel entirely alone and helpless, you aren’t, as cliché as it sounds.  You have affected people in your lifetime, most you are likely not considering.  Family near and far, even those you thought were estranged, old class mates and teachers, siblings parents, cousins, children and in-laws if you have them, aunts and uncles, co workers, clients you never knew you impacted with a friendly smile or hello… the list is endless. The last two funerals I attended as a result of suicide were packed to the point of there being no standing room left, both people who thought they were alone… I know it seems pointless and not worth it but just get through today. You can deal with tomorrow, tomorrow and so forth. I won’t tell you its easy or that everything will just be ok because you’re going to hurt along the way but time changes everything.  If i succeeded the first time, I never would have met my kids. I would  have missed vacations and thousands of laughs. If i had succeeded the second time there would be nice as and nephews I never would have met and Christmas mornings I wouldn’t have enjoyed.  If you’ve already struggled this far, you might as well hold on a bit longer because chances are, the best times of your life are yet to come. You’ve got this. Trust me, it can be done and as impossible as it seems, it can be worth it. Yes, YOU are worth it and no, the world wouldn’t be better off without you even though it may seem obvious that it would to you… depression is real. If you feel as though you can’t make it, seek help, get meds, it’s not you, it’s a disease just like the flu.  And no you don’t burden the ones around you. They’d likely rather spoon feed you for life than attend your funeral so don’t forget to put that into perspective. You never know what tomorrow could bring until you get there so do what you have to, to get there.  Please don’t be afraid to let your people in. They love you in such a way, that they could just be the answer you never you needed but you’ll never know if you don’t let them try. Try to listen and trust their words the best you can even though I know it’s hard. They aren’t trying because they don’t want you… think about that…

To the haters, I need you to get out of your own heads and understand that everything in the world isn’t as it seems to you. Those who attempt or commit suicide aren’t selfish or attention seeking, they are individuals who have lost all hope and honestly believe whole heartedly that they are doing the world a great justice eliminating themselves. They suffer from a medical ailment that is as real and as deadly as cancer. It is typically not a choice for those afflicted with depression, you need to practice empathy, you need to understand that their pain is very real to them and rather than putting them down, lift them up, be positive, be present, CARE. IF YOU CAN’T DO THESE THINGS, JUST KEEP YOUR DISTANCE while keeping your opinions to yourself. Give the depressed a chance to mend themselves if you can’t help them heal. A suicidal person is at their all time low and don’t need to be reminded of anythig negative, trust me, they already know it all. You can do it, just walk away.

To the innocent civilians who don’t hate but don’t know what to do, be kind.  Be kind to those around you because depression lends great masks to its victims and you likely won’t be around to tell who is at their breaking point when.  You never know when I a kind smile or word may make all the difference to someone.  The truth is, NOBODY knows the trials the man next to them has been through in their entirety. You CAN’T know, besides, what could you lose paying it forward if in the end, you could be saving lives and never even know it. Be humble and kind my friends, make the world a better place, keep a few more deserving souls here and reap the karmic rewards. Be someones person, we can make it through this life if we all work together, hold each other up, refraining from knocking each other down. Yes, it’s worth the effort!  In my experience, those who are the closest to an individual are the ones who have the best chance in changing a person’s outlook during a bleak point in their life. Your best chance to be heard by your loved ones you are concerned about is to be present as a neutral party. Don’t ask if they want company, don’t wait for them to call or ask for help, don’t repeatedly ask them what’s wrongor profess your distaste in their behavior. Show up or call, prepares to be what they need. You may end up sitting silently, telling stories about yourself or listening to them vent, do what fits, most often it’s silence or a distracting activity like watching a movie together. Your presence means you care enough to take the time to BE THERE  when you don’t necessarily have to be and it will count more than you could ever know. Let your loved one slowly accept what is, just stay close enough to catch them in they fall and neutral enough to not form opinions or judgement. Yes it can take time and effort and be frustrating for you,bthat’s why it’s easiest to work with those you love, the love you have for them should make it worth it, just remember, you could be saving them. Don’t think I’m suggesting hovering, just be a regular face, not a forgotten one.

For those of you mourning the loss of a loved one who committed suicide, first of all, I am so so so sorry for your loss. I know you likely didn’t see this coming and if you did, you likely felt helpless. There are a few things you should know.  First and foremost, this is NOT your fault and you CANNOT ever blame yourself. Depression is crippling and makes things that seem unrealistic to you, perfectly reasonable to them. When one becomes deeply depressed, they struggle to see their worth and although words may go right through them, love never ceases.  Despite your loss, you were entirely loved. It’s possible they even thought they were making your life better in the process of making their own pain free because it’s easy to lose touch with reality and forget you have value to people.  None the less, love, TRUE LOVE, is the one emotion that is such a part if who we are, it’s always the last thing we will think of on the way out of this world. They didn’t do this to hurt you or because they stopped loving you or because YOU weren’t enough. The pain of depression can become unbearable and it has so many masks it can be nearly impossible to see. Your loves one is gone but they feel no more pain and that’s what they wanted even though it was far too soon for them to go. They are at peace and want the same for you.  Your love will carry their soul to the place where they need to be so never fear. Rejoice in the time you did have together, remember their spirit so they can live on in your heart always and find a way to enjoy life in their honor like I’m sure they’d want for you. I would like to tell you that it gets easier, that eventually it will hurt less but I make it a point to not lie to my readers so I won’t fill your head with things I’ve seen proven false. I will however tell you that time will lighten the load. What I mean by that is, the more time that passes, the more practiced you will become at coping, so the better you be at controlling your fired for your loved one. You will not forget, you will never love them less, you will never stop missing them, but in time, you will think of them when you choose rather than morning at night, you’ll find things that drive you to get out of bed despite your grief. You WILL smile again, and don’t worry if it takes time, there are no rules, you will find a way in your own time. And if your passed love one got a chance to see you one last time, if they were able to plan a goodbye, I’m sure the first words off their lips would be, “I Love You”.

Remember boys and girls, you all deserve a happy life! 

Opening Line

Love, not just a word

Love, not just a word

Alright guys, this is a big one so pull up a chair, you need to really wrap your minds around this.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a new couple exchange the word love like its just another word, heard a couple exchange the word only to find one member of the couple isn’t faithful, people who say they love their significant other but don’t like them in reality, people who don’t know each other who exchange the word like oxygen, and people who tell another they love them in order to get what they want from the other. It’s time to bring it back for what it is. Love, is not just a word.  Love is everything… I know I’m being vague but I’ll clear things up, just keep reading. 

I recently asked a man I’ve loves for as long as I can remember, what love was in his opinion. I’m ways his response wasn’t what I expected but he said, “love is no matter what happens I’d always die/ or be there for that person”.  He’s not wrong but that’s only a fraction of what love should be if you’re saying it to your woman… love is a promise of sorts. I don’t tell many people I love them because as a woman, the word love carries a lot of weight. If I tell you love you, yes it does mean I would die for you and will always be here for you but it means so much more at the same time. It’s my confession to letting my walls down to let another person in, when in a relationship it’s a promise to be faithful, it’s allowing another to be my other half through lifes chaotic ups and downs.  When I say I love you to my partner, it means I actually enjoy him and want him to be a constant in my life, its an allowance to cross all barriers no matter where I am in life, if I love you and say it out loud it means that at my very worst I want and need YOU for comfort and at my very best I want and need YOU to be by my side to celebrate. When love is real forgiveness happens when mistakes are made and flaws are meaningless. True love is unconditional, meaning there is literally nothing the person you love can do or say to make you feel less of a need for their presence in your life. Don’t get me wrong, things don’t have to be perfect for love to be real, I’m not saying that if you fight sometimes your love isnt real, but what do you do when you fight? If you run to a bar or hop online and talk to other girls because you were mad, that isn’t love. If you storm off, sulk but come back from it, never losing the gut feeling of need for your woman, congratulations, you really love her and deserve to tell her as much so you can reap the rewards.

The problem with telling your woman you love her when it doesn’t run true is that you’re essentially encouraging her to dream about you, to invest herself in you and your future as a couple or family… you’re setting her up to fall apart when she comes to the realization that you weren’t honestly in love with her while she was completely in love with you because women NEED to be loved. It’s another one of those sick primortal things we possess, when we are told we are loved, it allows us to be happy in a freer sense. It’s someone’s admittance that they need us and more so, WANT us. It’s an internal mother instinct, we need to be needed. Women will take care of eveeyone around them by instinct, often selflessly so at the end of the day, we need one person to out US above every other human on earth, one person who cares about our well-being without our doing anything other than being alive. When you tell your woman you love her, you’re committing to being that person whether you realize it or not. SHE may not even realize it until things fall apart, and if you’re using love as a word your relationship WILL fall apart, because where love isnt real, things will always crumble under the pressure of time.  The biggest issue is that false love destroys women because every time a woman falls out of relationship where she assumed love was real but somehow realized it wasn’t, it causes her irreparable damage.  Every time it changes how she keeps up her walls with other, how she trusts, how she BELIEVES in love… don’t be that guy. 

I know, now you’re thinking you don’t want to be the guy who kills love but if you DON’T say it, she will eventually become iterate and you’re just trying to avoid the drama. It’s not as hard as you think. Be honest. If your honesty pushes her over the edge and she leaves you for it, chances are she wasn’t a good woman anyway so count your losses and move on. A good woman will appreciate it if you tell her you don’t want to use the “L” word until you know its real because you want it to mean something, she will understand and embrace the opportunity for you to get to know each other on a different level. And if you never feel it?  Say so so you can both decide where to go from there because you both deserve to know and feel real love. What will destroy your woman irreparably is you hiding what your feeling, even if you think you’re protecting her by continuing because you know she loves you. Think about it boys, you owe her honesty regardless of what that means.

Get it guys? This is for you too ladies, if you don’t feel at least a good portion of what I said love is, DON’T SAY I LOVE YOU, change starts with you, save the world from the destruction broken hearts can cause, end the cycle… 😀 Seriously though, only say I love you if you mean it and no one needs to get hurt.

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life!

Happy Father’s Day 2016

Happy Father’s Day 2016

To all the papas and men acting as papas out there, Happy Father’s Day to you! This is the day we celebrate your inspiration, your reason for getting out of bed every morning and working as hard as you do to provide for the family that gave you your title of dad. Parenting isn’t easy, loving our kids unconditionally isn’t always easy, working your tail off to be eaten out of house and home, showing your sensitive side isn’t always easy but you do it because you can, for the love of your family and the tiny humans you made (unless they’re anything above 12, then they’re very large humans comparitivly speaking from your first memories of them).  You’re so much more than full bellies, lights, and a roof over your family’s head. You’re their rock, the fixer of all broken things, knight in shining armor, banisher of evil and nightmares, your princesses first love and your prince’s first hero, the king of your castle and the lucky recipient of all your womans dreams and passions. You’re everything to your family no matter how large or small, young or old, you deserve this day good papas of the world as a thank you from your family as a token of their appreciation for everything you are.  Enjoy your day guys and extra love to my guy, you’re the best father I’ve ever known to our littles and I couldn’t love you more for everything you’ve done for us and are for us if I tried.

Never say NEVER, or ALWAYS

Never say NEVER, or ALWAYS

Seriously guys, never say never, or always. Never and always are both powerful words that can hang like a black cloud over your woman’s head if you’re not careful and you’ll pay for it one way or another. Now I’m not suggesting you literally avoid the words, you just need to use them correctly in order to avoid turbulence with your woman. I know this sounds like a run around but it’s not, I promise, let me explain…

Saying things like, I never want to go to Walmart again, I never eat brussel sprouts, mom never wears sparkly makeup, i never wear underwear, are acceptable. We always take out the trash at night, I always wear socks, the kids always trash the house, dad always fixes things, also all acceptable. If you’re paying attention, what you’ll notice is none of those comments contain the words never or always in conjunction with the word “you”.  The word you, is where things can get dicey. If you’re careful, you can combine you with never or always when speaking to your woman but it’s imperative that you use them positively to be safe. Saying baby you always make the best lasagna, you never forget anyone’s birthday, you always know what to do, you never have to worry… these are all POSITIVE statements that could potentially better your relationship with your woman. Using these words together in any negative or suggestive way, can easily change your life foreeeeeeever.

I know this sounds like a fucked up game but the fact of the matter is that a good woman never forgets. When you imply that she never or always, does or doesn’t do something, it will eat away at her loooong after the 15 minutes you remember saying anything at all.  Doesn’t make sense?  Ok, so you can’t say things like, you never clean the house, you always look tired, you never appreciate anything, you’re always miserable, you never said I couldn’t buy new tools, you always annoy me, you never do anything… ALL of these are dangerous statements, you’re going to have to think about things you say in your own circumstances to your woman ans be sure to eliminate anything similar.  I know, I know, you don’t mean ALWAYS OR NEEEEEEVER persay when you say things of this nature and you sometimes just say them in passing when you’re stresses or aggravated but is it worth it man?  After left the room to move on to your next task and don’t give a second thought to what you may have said, if you said anything negative or suggestive with the words you, never and/or always, your woman is back to doing her next task too but she is weighing your words heavily. She’s thinking back over the years about how she didn’t notice she ALWAYS annoyed you. As she makes dinner, she’s still considering how she NEVER finds a way to make you see her appreciation despite appreciating the fuck out of your every move that you make that supports your family.  As she throws laundry in the washer and tucks the kids into bed, she’s thinking about how she ALWAYS looks tired and about how you won’t want her if she can’t keep up with her to-dos you don’t know she does behind the scenes but if you notice she’s tired she must be looking worn and ugly and you won’t want her then either so she’s in a lose lose situation. As she gets into the shower and then climbs into bed with you, rubbing your throbbing feet so you can work again in the morning to out food on the table, she’s thinking about how she can NEVER keep the house clean no matter how hard she tries because, well, kids or pets or work or just life, and how she isn’t good enough for you. Then while you dream of driving a Cadillac with pockets of cash rolling down sunset Blvd somewhere hot, she’s dreaming of how in your eyes she’s ALWAYS miserable and all that matters is your opinion in her world next to the kids and/or family so the nightmares of losing everything for being an ugly, miserable, ungrateful, sloppy waste of your time.

She won’t tell you all this because where inside she’s writhing from your words, a woman’s work must be done whether at home or her workplace so she buries her fears of screwing everything up by being herself, and carries on in hopes of changing your mind, even if you don’t know your mind needs changing because you haven’t spent one second dwelling on any of it. If she told you she was questioning everything she would be at risk of coming off as complaining while in reality she’s confused as to how you saw flaws she hadn’t, disappointed in herself for not being good enough, and likely angry that you think she always or never WHATEVER you said.  Ever notice she gets quiet without explanation, maybe inverts a bit for no reason and comes off irritated or cold?  There’s a good chance you’re paying for saying you always or never to your woman with no way to determine WHEN you said the wrong thing. Keep in mind, many women tally these things so that every time you REPEAT an always or never, she adds it to all the other times you’ve said the same things which can of course cause her to become extra aggravated each time you “add to the list”.  Your best beat is to avoid these word combinations all together so as to have one less thing creating havoc between you and your woman.  You can do it guys, all you have to do is think before you speak and you too, can keep the peace.

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life!

Date Night, is it a necessity or a waste of money?

Date Night, is it a necessity or a waste of money?

Aaaah, date night. My favorite except for the part where it hasn’t been a regular on our schedule for close to 10 years now if not better, and I gotta tell ya guys, not only do I notice as the woman, it breaks my heart a little.

Ok I get it guys. You’ve been together too long to waste time and money on date night when you spend every night at home together anyway right? You’re comfortable together so she knows you love her, you’re not trying to prove anything anymore or win her over so it’s not necessary? WRONG!! Let me explain.

To a woman, mother or not, date night is more than dinner, a movie and the bill that follows. A good woman typically isn’t picky about the details of where you go or how much you do or do not spend, it’s the time and effort that count.  Date night for your woman is mandatory even if she says it’s not because as the last priority in our world, we are always wanting to be some level of priority to you, always waiting for you to make us feel loved and wanted. When you commit to a date night, you’re showing her she’s worth your time, that you WANT to be around her and that you enjoy her company.  After a few years, some women begin to think you feel stuck with them if you’re not showing her otherwise, and as a result, she will become bitter. You’ll think she hates you, when in fact, she’ll hate herself for not being good enough for you to WANT her.  I know it seems like a run around guys but it’s not. This isn’t something we control, it’s just the way our brains work so you have to work with us. That being said, date night possibilities are endless since the most important factor is your presence. Please don’t think I’m telling you to take your woman to the movies every week, movies are nice but get old if it’s the only thing you spring for and she’ll feel like it’s just part of your routine and your efforts will be wasted. Want to keep your woman as happy as possible and thus, your life as peaceful as possible?  Get creative boys. Pick a night every week or every other week depending on what both of your schedules will allow and YOU make the plans.  Taking the weight of decision off your woman will make her feel slightly pampered, like she’s getting a break from life because all day long we women finalize decisions.  If you want extra gold stars from your woman, while you’re thinking of her, creatively planning a night out, think of things she enjoys too and work them in. She will likely be willing to go to a baseball game or car show if you are willing to go wine tasting or to a concert of a musician she loves. Never forget the power of compromise!   I know. You’re thinking you can’t dish out cash for big dates every week but that’s why I said get creative.  A date can be anything from a mini vaca to a local casino to a walk through the woods. I think my favorite dates have been times we have packed a lunch, walked around and just talked, laughed and wasted the time together.  You could check out free events in your area to see if anything is worthy of your time, in our area we can find music, festivals, fairs… we don’t necessarily spend much anywhere we go, the biggest investment is our time and it’s priceless.  When on dates forget age limits because playgrounds and fairs can be fun for adults too if it’s time you’re spending alone together and you let go long enough to have fun together and feel free, as you both should.

So yes boys, date night is worth the expense of your time and hard earned cash, just spend it wisely. It’s never a waste when the result is a good woman who is content because she feels wanted, who feels complete because you enjoy her company no matter how long you’ve been together. NEVER stop dating your woman no matter how comfortable things seem, you’ll reap the rewards for a lifetime if you do it right.

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life!

Why should I help around the house? I work…

Why should I help around the house? I work…

This one is from the mamas to the papas. For the dads who work so the moms can stay home with the kids. It’s an age old debate.  A good woman cannot be guaged by the condition of her home while raising children. I know, I know. You work 5-6 days a week, sometimes 12 hours a day, pay all the bills, put food on the table so you deserve to come home to a warm home cooked meal, a clean home and a tentative woman ready to fulfill any and all of your needs. Instead you walk through the door to find the family’s  leftovers you have to microwave yourself, a trashed house, and if your woman isn’t passed out in her clothes somewhere she is yelling at you to please grab the hamper for her and take out the trash, maybe a reminder to pay a bill or two. You’re thinking she’s ungrateful because you’re feeling neglected, lazy because you can’t see anything she has cleaned since you left for work, and now you’re pissed off, the last thing you need after working your ass off all day is to “do her job” too… I get it guys,i have worked WITH my man, I KNOW how hard he works and I’m sure you and your job aren’t any different. Let me fill you in on the hours 9-5 and beyond if you work extended shifts like in my house. We have all heard some mom somewhere list all her daily tasks, planned and unplanned. What you may not have heard is the mamas thoughts that go with the tasks and the weight of it all on your woman.

So you leave for work, most likely in clothes your woman washed and maybe even laid out for you.  You have a full day at work ahead of you and as you pull out of the driveway, you’re wishing you could stay home and relax all day like your woman. Meanwhile at home… depending on the age of your kids, your wife is already elbow deep changing diapers, wiping dried boogers off sleepy faces, getting kids up for school or the day (which let me tell you is a ridiculously drawn out process). Now when I wake up my kids, it typically takes at least 4 trips into each of their rooms before they finally get up.  If your woman is lucky, the kids are old enough to dress themselves so you’d think her job is simple. The little little ones need to be physically dressed which can take 20 minutes per kid EASILY. My kids can dress themselves but it doesn’t make my job easier, when they make it downstairs, they need to be inspected because someone is going to be wearing yesterday’s clothes, something stained and/or torn, or something inappropriate for the days schedule. My kids like to try to wear play clothes or shorts in the snow for school. It’s not as simple as go change your clothes please, it’s a battle that usually ends in your woman yelling and counting down to your littles doom until the kid snaps and stomps off to change against their will.  So now you’re just arriving to work after a quiet drive by yourself and your woman has already been covered in poop or snot, been screamed at, and run full laps through the house at LEAST 5 times and she hasn’t even tried to feed the kids yet. At this point, she is jealous of you. Wishing she got a quiet drive on the way to her job. Now food. Some moms cook big breakfasts, some do cereal or something easy. Obviously the big breakfast takes more time and effort and makes a bigger mess but the outcome is typically the same. The kids will stuff their faces, dropping food around them as they eat like it’s THEIR job, cover themselves in filth, (I know, cereal isn’t messy right? Hahaha do you know how much it sucks to scrub milk out of carpets and cracks in the floor knowing if you don’t the smell later will be horrendous?  And getting wet cereal chunks out of hair with the school bus seconds away from the house!? It’s bad, real bad…), and leave the remnants of their meal right where they sat, despite your woman’s 25 reminders to at LEAST clear their dishes. Now the kids have to be reinspected for filth, most likely wiped down, the bus is right around the corner and teeth still aren’t brushed, wait, where in the hell are the backpacks and their finished homework!? So your woman will shout commands to brush teeth while making a mad dash through bedrooms and the rest of the house collecting as much homework and as many backpacks and shoes as she can find. She will inspect the brushing process and start getting shoes on people, distributing backpacks and lunches or lunch money while counting down to the kid that tried to say they brushed their teeth while their breath still smells like ass. (Your kids think your woman is pretty old and dumb and won’t notice these things. HA!)  If your woman is having a GREAT day, the kids will end up with shoes on, teeth brushed, full bellies, backpacks, finished homework, and the proper outdoor clothes for the weather, about 30 seconds AFTER the bus rolls up to the front of the house and will be able to bolt out of the house in time to actually catch the bus before it drives away, usually with someone yelling as they run to the bus that something hurts or they are sick and can’t go to school and your woman is going to yell back to try to go and call if they can’t get through the day. Now that kids are on the bus, she’s either off to attach a baby to her boob if you have littles, amuse the toddlers, or if your kids have all gone to school, start the chores. Chores. Laundry, dishes, picking up the living room, bathroom, kitchen, dining room, and the bedrooms she dares enter, meals for the rest of the day and checking the schedules for the kids extracurriculars later, laundry she is going to run through every room of the house to collect because the damn kids never got into a basket, often having to sniff test questionable items which is enough to make her want to crawl in a hole and die at times. Once laundry is going she will pickup an armful of toys and garbage that’s in her path on the way to the kitchen to clean up the breakfast mess, soaking dishes, putting away food items that haven’t been devoured, sweeping the full meals worth of food the kids decided the floor looked naked without, and wiping up spills and messy surfaces and chances are, half of what they are wiping is now dried onto the table or counter so real scrubbing is necessary.  If you have littles still in the house, she’s only made it to the laundry before having to stop for diapers, tears, or giggles before ever making it to the kitchen.  If your woman is REALLY lucky, before using all the hot water for the dishes, she will at this point brew a pot of coffee before taking a 5 minute shower, just enough to get clean so forget the thought that she lounges in the tub, eating bon bons sipping wine. 5 minutes. Out of the shower, she pours her coffee, takes a couple sips while glancing at the calendar again willing the days schedule to stay burned into her brain, and takes off to pick up. Personally, I get through one or two rooms before laundry is done and have to stop picking up to change it over. Laundry going again, she will take two more sips of her now luke warm coffee before attacking the next room. While picking up another room, the phone rings (she hopes it’s you calling to say hello and that you love her but it rarely is)  with either a kid on the other end saying they need something or an appointment reminder for an appointment that… never made the schedule!? Shit, now she has to drop everything, go back to the calendar she JUST memorized and see what can be moved or sacrificed in order to make the appointment, or drive or walk to the school to tend to the needs of the child that called. Remember, if you have little littles, she will have to change them into clean diapers and clothes, outdoor gear, shoes and carseats before she ever makes it out the door which can NOT take anything less than 15 minutes per baby or  toddler plus at least 5 minutes to unload them from carseats at EVERY stop cause she can’t just leave the littles in the car while she runs into school. If there are no babies, she is still going to have to get her shoes on and make the trip so either way it’s time consuming. When she arrives back home it will be lunch time but she’s going to notice landscaping that needs attention, mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, picking trash from the yard, a pile of the kids junk in the yard or on the porch, so she will divert from house work for a bit to do the labor intensive yard work because she knows you’re working all day and doesn’t want you to have to do it on your day off. Sweaty and dishevelled from the yard work, once she makes it back indoors she will take a couple more sips of ice cold coffee she will vow to heat up in the microwave as soon as she’s finished picking up that room she walked out of to run to school. But wait, the damn laundry finished while she was gone so before she picks up she has to change all of that over, again. Laundry running, she will finish picking up a couple more rooms. Remember that if there are little littles involved, she will have had to stop for lunch, trashing the kitchen AGAIN, amusing the babies along the way which means she never even made it to picking up the other two rooms yet, shes still stuck at vowing to warm her coffee before her next sip.  After accomplishing picking up the best she can with the time she has, she will attempt to vacuum or sweep and mop before running to the store for food items. I don’t care if you grocery shop once a week, she’s still running to the store for something that was forgotten, prescriptions, school project supplies, SOMETHING. Walking through the errands, she will think of you again, missing you and hoping your day is less hectic than hers has been. Home from running errands and putting away whatever she bought during errands she will run a bag of garbage outside to the cans quick, slap together a snack and oh look, the kids are home already.  Your woman will go back into mom mode from here, wiping faces again, tentatively listening to the triumphs and disasters of the children’s school day, pouring over notes and graded papers in backpacks, new events to the calendar, inspecting the days homework assignments and if your kids are anything like mine, she will break up a fight or two. Guys. We are talking 10 minutes into the kids being home and she’s aleady breaking up fights and if there are babies, this is all happening while balancing a human being on her hip. While the kids are snacking, she will forget to heat her coffee, sip it cold again,and get so frustrated with it she will just dump out the rest. From snack the kids will bounce into another room to do homework, she will pick up the snack mess, go to help the kids with homework and find the room they’re in trashed again with sweatshirts, socks, shoes, a couple toys, bunched up papers from backpacks and dumped boxes of 1,000 crayons they are supposed to be using for homework but are instead launching across the room at each other. Stop here for babies, because they need to be changed and fed, again. This is the point where she wants to rip out her hair and she takes a millisecond to picture your handsome face and remember why she does what she does and look forward to the second you get home so she can have grown up time. After helping with homework FOREVER because common core is bullshit and geniuses don’t get  it, pleading with the kids to put finished homework in the backpacks (which somehow rarely happens because to kids, the couch is a safer place for homework?) and a sad attempt at picking up the trashed area, she will start changing kids and collecting gear for extra curriculars.  In our house, that’s music and sports. Depending on the day, she will have either started dinner in the crock pot earlier or will start dinner prep before leaving so at this point she is either feeding kids or cooking before a mad dash out the door to be 5 minutes late to wherever she’s going, despite getting ready an hour beforehand because… kids. If you have a 9-5 you’re getting home and either joining the fam at lessons or taking a breather but if it’s like our house, you’re STILL at work and your woman is wishing you didn’t have to be and could be standing next to her like the other dad’s with their families, she’s missing you, appreciating that you’re missing seeing your babies (big or small) play to put food on the table. She will cheer on the kids, feeling entirely spent, wipe a few tears from their little cheeks or talk then through sportsmanship when they get frustrated with coaches or peers and of course break up fights between whatever kids aren’t involved in the activity they are there for.  Once she dumps an arm load of gear back into the car, gets the kids loaded, breaks up a fight about who gets to sit where and finally makes it home, she hits the front door running. Dinner, dinner cleanup, any last homework or school project details, more diapers and feedings if there are babies, attempting to set out the next days clothes or at least make sure they made it into one of the loads she washed earlier and if not, MORE LAUNDRY, baths and showers for the kids which is a momentous battle between timing hot water, wet hair and forcing the kids in who refuse. In the midst of the pre-bedtime haul, she will glance at the clock and remember everything she didn’t get done, dusting, the rest of the picking up post kids coming home, that damn laundry, now dinner dishes, garbage that needs to go out again, something she has to bake for someones class, and the lawn mower she forgot to tuck back in the garage earlier, but then remembers you’ll be home soon and she feels like she finally got a breath of fresh air from the thought, GROWN UP TIME!  By the time your woman gets around to having the kids call you to say goodnight and gets them tucked into bed, having had a short conversation about the kids day and lovingly kissing each one good night, she is exhausted beyond words because she never even made it through her coffee but then she remembers you. You’ll be home within an hour or two now and she would ideally like to have the house you work so hard to provide, perfect for you so you’re at ease when you walk through the door after a long day at work. So she gets back to work on what now feels like a deadline, two hours and counting… back to the grind, she frantically starts sweeping, wiping, picking up, EVERYTHING she had already done, but there’s no evidence of her earlier efforts, damn kids!  In the back of her mind while she frantically scrubs is you. She wants to get your dinner together so it’s warm when you get there, have a nice dessert waiting for you, maybe watch a movie and snuggle when you get home, vent about the day to each other, make mad passionate love… all she has to do is finish picking up the living room, switch the laundry over one last time, take out the last bag of garbage, check backpacks for homework, make sure she didn’t miss anything on the schedule that’s needs prepping before tomorrow and check on the sleeping littles, then it’s all you baby.  Then amidst the chaotic scramble to perfect everything, the door opens and there you are, exhausted from a full day of work, disappointed that what you work so hard for now looks like a dump zone and you’re wondering WHY you work so hard.  Your dinner isn’t on the table because she thought you’d be another 30 minutes and she literally just ran out of time. What you don’t realize guys is at this moment, your woman’s heart just sank down to her gut.  I know what you’re thinking, I just finished saying she was anticipating your return, excited about seeing you, all day long so she should be jumping up and down like a Dallas cowboy cheerleader or something, why the hell would she be disappointed to see me? Right?  It’s not you guys. This is the moment that she missed her deadline, she knows the house isn’t up to your standards, hell, it’s not up to hers!  She didn’t get to set anything up for you she had planned in her head, she knows you can’t see anything she cleaned all day and that you’re probably upset with her about not having done enough while she knows her efforts were basically wasted and she can’t figute out why she tries so hard because she NEVER makes progress. (If you have babies, insert a changing and feeding here.)  She will make small talk with you quick, how was your day, are you hungry, maybe a quick kiss and run off to heat your dinner or pull that load of laundry out of the dryer that won’t stop buzzing until she at least opens the dryer door. In desperation, she yells to you to please take out the trash and dump the laundry basket onto the table for her, thinking if she just finishes up the last few things around the house, you would feel better and the rest of the night could go as she planned.  Shes thinking trash and laundry dumping are really small tasks that you wouldn’t mind helping with even though she feels guilty asking knowing you worked all day but she HAS to heat your dinner for you so how else? I know man, you’re grumbling and grunting about having to do housework that she should have done earlier because she had aaaaaall day while you were working to get this shit done! (Let’s remember now what you’ve already read. I told you she already ran several loads of laundry and took out the garbage at least once, you just can’t tell. Again, damn kids!)  Once you’ve grumbled through your assigned tasks, if you do them at all, you’ll eat dinner while she runs around like a tornado finishing anything she can while you’re occupied eating, when all she wants to do is sit down with you and sip a glass of wine or sooomething, anything, other than clean more. This is supposed to be grown-up time goddamnit.  You’ll probably shower or clean yourself up after dinner while she runs to make sure the kids didn’t leave chips or popsicles or some other surprise under the comforter of your bed BEFORE you get to it.  If you’ve got a really good woman, when you make it to your bed, finally, she may rub your feet or legs or back, maybe a full body massage while she thinks about how her muscles are screaming but she wants you to feel good going to work the next day because she knows how hard you work… either way she will lay down with you, thinking ok, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for, crazy passionate love, yaaaaay!  Except when she goes to touch you, you’ve already fallen asleep or she falls asleep building up to it in her head.  No goodnight, no kiss, just lights out. Unless you fall asleep at the same time, chances are, someone’s upset because their partner passed out and they didn’t get any, sometimes you, sometimes her. (If you have a baby, insert another one of those glorious feedings and changes here, again.)

So what have have we learned here boys? Your woman works her ass off, selflessly, daily, just like you.  This didn’t include things like sick kids or a sick woman, things that break, kids dramatic issues with peers, pets, bathroom accidents, 3 day massive school projects, emergency room visits, broken vehicles or appliances, this was just a breakdown of an average, uneventful day in the life of a real woman. She never asks for help because she wants to, the house is rarely messy because she didn’t try, she never ever forgets or fails to appreciate how hard you work for the family even if she forgets to TELL you, and she does it all wanting to be better for you. Even though you work hard too, maybe the next time she asks you to take the garbage out, you could do it without the grumbles and pick a night to rub her to thank her for all the work she does you will never see.  Remember you go home after work, a mamas job, never ends.  

If you read this far, chances are you’re a good guy who has a good woman so I’ll give you an extra tip.  It wouldn’t hurt to throw in a date night or flowers once in awhile to remind her you appreciate the work she does as much as she appreciates the work you do, to give you BOTH a little much deserved time off from the job. Bonus: It’s time you get to spend with your beautiful woman!!

Remember boys, married or not, happy wife, happy life!